“Everything’s wrong. People are celebrating with their loved ones in warm homes but what about me? I am all alone with no where to go. I had no friends. No one wanted to be my friend because I am fat and ugly. No one cared about how I feel. No one loves me. The whole world hates me. Why do you care?”

            “Because Jesus loves you and we love you too. But Jesus loves you to the end of the earth.” Paul said.

            “Who’s Jesus? And how come he loves me? I don’t even know him. How do you know he loves me?”

            “Do you know the real meaning of Christmas? Christmas is to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.” Said Peter.

            “Yes. He came into the world as a man on Christmas and he died for you so that you can live your life to the fullest as He wanted you to.” Said Laurie.

            Her sobs gradually stopped as she listened on. Seeing that she had calmed down, they tried to talk her into not giving up her life.

            “You are meant to life your life to the fullest. Don’t give up your life just like that. He said “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” You still have to live.” Said Jane

            “How do I live a life that is full? Everywhere I go everyone said I am useless. No one wanted me. My parents always shout at me. They always said that my younger siblings are better than me. I am always wrong. And my uncle…” she starts to cry again. But this time the knife slid from her hands unto the ground.

            “I can’t take it anymore…”

            “When there’s no where else to turn, all your bridges have been burned, when it feels like you’ve hit rock bottom, don’t give up it’s not the end.” Kenneth said.

            “When you feel like no one understands where you are, you’ve got us and Jesus.” Amanda said.

            “Someone loves you. Even when you don’t think so, don’t you know? You got us and Jesus by your side through the fight. You will never be alone, on your own, cos’ you got me and Jesus.” Olivia said.

            “We believe Jesus is waiting outside your heart. Accept Him and let Him make your life right. He wants to. He longs to if you just ask Him to come into your heart.” Paul said.

            As she listened, tears filled her eyes once more. Eyes glistening with tears, she looked up into the sky and said, “Real-ly?”

            “Of course.” Laurie replied.

            “How do I invite Him into my heart?” she asked, her eyes shone with hope.

            “If this is what you really want, I can lead us in prayer, and we can tell God what you just told me.” Kenneth said.

            She gave a nod and all of them sit around her.

             “What’s your name?” Jane said.

            “Bernice.” She answered.

            “Nice name. There’s a bible character that had that name too.” Amanda said.

            “Bernice, repeat this prayer after me:

Dear God, I know that I am a sinful person.

I admit that I have failed you

And that I have been trusting other ways

To take all my problems away instead of You.

I believed that you died to save me.

I believed that you paid the penalty for my sins on the cross.

I believe that you came to life again after that.

By faith, I invite you into my life

And I repent of my sins.

I accept Your gift of eternal life.

I thank you for it and I ask you

To help me follow you the rest of my life.

In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

“There.” Jane said.

“Welcome into the family of God!” Laurie said.

“Hey, come over to my house and celebrate Christmas with us! We have a whole feast waiting for us.”

“And we would like to have you with us.”

For once, she smiled. Her smile brightened up her whole face and her face shone with hope.

“Sure.”

And they all went off to celebrate. Bernice finally received her Christmas present – that is eternal life. You have one waiting for you too. You know it in your heart whether you have received it or not. If not, we believe Jesus is knocking at your heart. Just receive and enjoy all the blessings that He wanted to pour out for you.

my cuzzie told me about this. Her past exam papers are there. Gonna take a look. ♬

Just wanna save it here so that I can easily find.

After that we will go to Wester coast sweet bay…

I start to get myself ready at five o’clock

I did that without any second thoughts…

I applied sweet smelling oil onto my hair

then I put some perfume behind my ear

I wore a pink blouse and a white skirt with sequins

Hoping I will look the best for him

Dressing up at 5.45

Hoping that for once, I’d at least look nice..

Spending a long time combing my hair..

Hoping she’d notice when I finally get there..

Brushing my teeth, taking a long time

Hoping I’d dazzle her with my smile and its shine…’

He took me to a newly opened Italian restaurant

I asked him to go elsewhere but he wasn’t tolerant

I knew the price of the food will be high

But he said it’s okay so i gave up with a sigh

So we enjoyed the food and each other’s company

We talked, we laughed, it was so heavenly

After that we drove to wester coast sweet bay

The sun is setting, the clouds were grey…

I took her to an Italian restaurant

She asked me to go elsewhere but as usual, I didn’t want..

She told me that the price would be high

I didn’t believe her…until I open the menu and thought, “Die!!!”

But we still talked and laughed, just the way it should be…

I watched her smile, wondering if she was smiling for me..

Then we drove to wester coast sweet bay

The sunset ended a beautiful day…

We walked on the beach, feel the sand between our toes

we smelt the salty air as it enter our noses

the wind encircled me, so warm so nice

Calls of the seagull and the sea harmonize

We watched the sun sink beyond the horizon

Somehow I wish there was a reason

A reason why I feel this dread in me

A reason why I have these feelings in me

He’s my friend and my very best since long ago

We were always together even though we were told

That seeing us together people will misunderstand

But we didn’t care, we just put up a stand.

We strolled on the beach, watching the waves touch the sand

Oh, how I wanted so much just to hold her hand..

The wind blew around her, so nice and so warm

Wishing I could just hold her in my arms

Watching the sun set, into the sea

I wondered, what on earth’s wrong with me..

Why this feeling of wanting just to be with her?

A sense of excitement…but also a lot of fear

She’s my best friend for as long as I know..

Wherever she went, there I would go…

Looking at him standing there on the beach

He is so near but he’s like out of reach

My heart cries out I want to be near to him

And in my heart this is what i cried out to him

“How I longed to be in your embrace..

How I longed to have your lips to taste…

To feel you heart beat against mine…

To be there in your arms at all times…

I longed for more than this friendship can offer

This desire of mine I doubt if I can conquer

This love for you is so strong so deep

Don’t break my heart, please don’t make me weep.”

I wish so much that she was mine to hold

Together forever as we both grow old

Feeling the warmth in her embrace

Right here, right now, in this place

I fight myself every single day

From telling you what I really want to say

That I love you so much, I hope you can see

That one day you’ll be mine, for me…

When the sun disappear down the horizon,

It was time for both of us to go home.

He drove me home, reaching the driveway,

I wished we didn’t go the right way.

If we got lost, the time we’ll be together

Will surely be a lot longer

But we really reached my house’s driveway

And it’s late so i have to go anyway

I can sense that he’s reluctant to see me go,

He walked with me to the door.

I drove her home when the sun went down

Didn’t want it to end, didn’t wanna turn around

But I took her home, though my heart ached so bad

It was time for her to go, I couldn’t help feeling sad…

I walked her up to her front door..

I wished for anything… at least something more

Held back my tears but wanting to cry

Couldn’t stand living like this, couldn’t stand living a lie

Wanted to blurt it all out, tell her the truth

That with all my heart, “I truly loved you.”

But I kept it in, I don’t know why

I just looked at her, smiled and sighed…

“Good night, Karen” I told her, I had fun tonight

“We should do it again, sometime, all right?”

You smiled at me, my heart’s in a whirl

Wishing so much, that you were my girl…

He told me he had fun that night.

And we should do it much more than just one night.

I couldn’t agree on more but I just smiled at him

Because I’m trying not to tell how I felt for him.

My heart was suffering so much

I longed to tell, to feel his touch

I couldn’t contain myself no more

I just suddenly gave him a hug

And surprisingly Ryan hugged back

After that I just quickly bolted inside

I was so afraid, I felt so stupid

I hate myself, I think it’s the cupid.

I walked back to my car, feeling surprised

She hugged me, and gosh, it felt so nice

I just had to hug her back

Pretend she was mine, for just one sec

Was she feeling the same feelings I was?

Or maybe I’m just thinking too much..

I don’t want to lose her, by scaring her away

So maybe I’ll leave this, til another day

But wait, maybe I can do something more

Slip a letter or a poem under her front door

I won’t write my name, let’s see how it goes

She may just write back, for all I know…

Writing a poem, saying I care

Writing down, “I love you’s”, to say it, I don’t dare

Telling her how much I long to see her through

The good times and bad, I’ll still love her too

Smiling to myself, imagining her eyes

When she sees the poem, so full of surprise

And when I finished writing, I carefully signed

“From your secret admirer, forever yours til the day I die”

I told her to reply me if she really wanted to

To put it in the pine tree, behind the church that she goes to

My next reply would be posted there, and she can put hers there as well

What would happen, no one knows, only Father Time can tell..

I ran upstairs and peeked at him at the window

I saw him walk to his car in the shadow

I kept on thinking about the sensation of his touch

I want to tell how I love him so much

The next day I woke up surprisingly early

I ran downstairs to find a paper under the door

I wonder who put this paper here so early

I took it to my room where the light wasn’t poor

I opened the paper and was really surprised

It said “To my dear Karen, good morning my dear.”

I looked at the bottom for the person’s name

I found “From your secret admirer, forever yours til the day I die”

I was even more surprised so I read what was written

It’s a poem, a very nice written poem.

I read the poem and such feelings came over me

This is what the poem said

“To my dear Karen, good morning my dear.

How are you on this bright new day?

Eyes so dark like the sky at night

A smile so charming, brighter than daylight

Hair like black silk, with bit of a curl

Darling, don’t you know, you’re my life, my world?

Seeing you smile is a dream come true

You’ll never know how much I love you..

I try and try but I just can’t hide

When I see the love light in your eyes

To tell you that I love you so

It’s just a dream…but I won’t let go

I promise that I’ll be yours forever

I promise I will leave you never

Summer to autumn to winter to spring

It’s only happiness to you that I’ll bring

Wanting to fill your every day with song

To be with you your whole life song…

May this be my only plea.

That one day, you might love me..

So until the day that you are mine

From your secret admirer, forever yours til the day I die…

It’s okay if you think that I’m just a creep

But I want you to know that I’m yours to keep

So if you’re keen on this and want to reply

Just write me a poem and please drop it by

The pine tree behind the church near your place

Inside that tree there’s an empty space

Just put your reply there and I’ll reply you next time

It’ll be inside that tree, i hope you don’t mind…”

I reread the poems a couple of times

I wondered who would send me this at this time

I saw something familiar with the handwriting

Could this be from Ryan, my dear Darling?

I think to myself, putting the thought away

It couldn’t be him I think there’s no way

He is so perfect he wouldn’t fall for a girl like me

Maybe I was just thinking too much.

Who is it then that sent something like this?

Who can write something like this?

I think I’ve seen Ryan write poems before

But nowadays I didn’t think he write anymore

I was curious to see who this romantic poet is

who sends me this very nicely written poem

So I wrote one back, trying my best

For writing poems is new to my taste.

“Who are you my dear good poet?…

Why couldn’t you show your face or your name?…

Why didn’t I knew there’s someone out there

Who loves me this much and so deeply cared?

Come write to me my dear good poet

Write your name for me to know

Write who you are so I’ll try my best

Sincerely from this milady, Karen.”

Waited at the pine tree and I found a reply

I was so happy I thought I would cry

Never knew I could be loved like this

This moment is sweeter than love’s first kiss

To find out someone cares as much

Suddenly, I yearned for her touch..

Wishing I need not hide behind this mask

But I had to, if I wanted it to last

“Maybe just a while, my dear milady

Til the day that I am ready

Tell, reveal myself as your secret admirer

But right now, I’m too afraid to try it

I wish I could show you my face or say my name

But I dare not to, because this is no game

It’s my heart you’re holding right there in your hand

Please accept me just as I am

But til that day when I stop living this lie

I’m yours forever, til the day I die..”

“So time is what I can give to you, dear poet

For this heart of yours you’ve given

Time for you to reveal yourself

Why this passion? Why this love?

Who are you? someone i know?

I’m curious to know, whose heart i have here

To maybe give mine to thee as well.”

“I wish I could reveal myself

But I fear something greater than fear itself

I fear that you’ll turn me down, milady

That you’d say that you’re not for me

Who I am, I dare not say

In case I might scare you away

Just know that you, I adore

That I’ll love you forevermore

The stars can cease to shine in the sky

So in love with you am I

Just say the word and I’ll be yours

Raging rivers can run its course

So until you receive my next reply

I’ll be dreaming of you with the stars in your eyes

The heavens can choose to fade away

But my love for you will always remain…”

“Come prove to me thy love for me

I wonder how without showing thee

Thy words so sweet, how nice it would be

To see thyself when shown to me

So gain my heart as hard as thee shall

For i still don’t know thee that well

Please forgive this milady for her ignorance

Come prove to me in this romance

By at least showing me your face

At a certain time, a certain place…”

“I wish, my angel, I could prove this true

By showing how much I love you

But show my face, I’m afraid I can’t

If something’s for sure, it’s your love I want.”

The more poems I wrote, the more I receive

Each so passionate, each with love that never cease

The more I read them, the more assurance I get

That all of this were from Ryan himself

I asked Ryan if he had written any poems in those days

He said no, he had not written in a long time

But I noticed something when he said all that

Something like surprise, yet it was hard to know

He was trying his best not to show

I think that Ryan and my dear good poet

Are the same person though I’m not sure…

Oh no, what do I do now?

For some reason, I think she somehow

Suspects that the poet is me

Which is true, but it shouldn’t be

I’m afraid she might turn me down

I don’t want to lose this love I’ve found

But for love’s sake, it’s time to meet

To see if she’ll love me for only me

“My lady, if you’d care to meet

At the masquerade ball on the 23rd of February

There I will show my face

After the masquerade ball takes place

My angel, I pray that things will go well

For even though I’m under love’s spell

My heart is still within your hand

Please be gentle, I’m just a man

If I’m not the one that you have longed for

Just tell me softly, and close the door

So that you won’t see me cry

You won’t hear my voice tremble as I say goodbye

But if I am the one you seek

Look into my eyes and touch my cheek

And tell me that you love me so

So in the end, I’ll finally know

That you feel the same way too

That you love me, like I love you

I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine

I’ll love you til the end of time…”

So finally I got the poem

The one that I have just one reply

The chance to finally meet my dear good poet

To see the face of this passionate guy

he told me to go to the masquerade ball

on the 23rd of february and at the end of the ball

he’ll show himself the dear good poet

who’s been sending all those passionate poems

So, go to Costume Ateleir Tiepolo to do some shopping

For a costume for the coming ball

Choosing for almost three hours in there

For the perfect costume when I meet him there

Finally got a beautiful gown

I don’t really know they say it’s the best in town

Maroon in colour and some gold designs

With a matching pair of golden shoes…

She took my very breath away

When she walked into the hall

Everyone turned to look at her

This beautiful stranger at the masquerade ball

In a gown of maroon, with linings of gold

She was like an angel from above

With the mask on her face, and an angelic smile

All over again, I fell in love

I walked forward and I held out my hand

Wondering if she knew

That the poet was me, that it was who I am

And if she would still stay true

As I danced with her, we seemed to be

Just floating over the floor

And for once in my life, I knew I loved her

And I wanted nothing more

To feel her so soft within my arms

To smell her scent so sweet

If she was nothing but a breeze

She’s swept me off my feet…

When I walked into the ballroom everyone turned and look

I blushed myself red thinking I’ve come overdressed

Then this stranger came to me with his hand outstretched

Inviting me to a dance with him

I looked at him as we danced on the floor

Trying to see who’s the one behind the mask

His arms so firm, his hands so gentle

Guiding me, dancing across the dance floor.

As we dance he put his head beside mine

I can feel his warm breath against my neck.

Is this dear Poet? Is this dear Ryan?

I longed to see, I longed to know.

That night I danced with only him

He took my hand and never let go

Somehow I knew but couldn’t be sure

It’s my dear Poet, my dearest Ryan.

We danced and danced until midnight

When the music ends and the time has come

Everyone else took their mask off

We gaze at each other not doing anything

Waiting to see who’ll take their mask off first

For nervousness creeps up into my nerves

We stood there until everyone left

Leaving to two of us standing there alone

The he opened his mouth and said to me

“On the count of three we’ll take each other’s masks off”

And I reached out to where his mask’s binding is

He too reaches out to the back of my head

Then he counted “One, two three…”

I pulled the ribbon and our masks drop to the floor

I looked at him and saw two enquiring eyes.

Eyes that reflected ceaseless love and also fear

I saw a face, the face I longed to kiss

The face of the one I love, I adore

My dearest poet with his face so afraid

Gazing at me intently for my reaction.

“Eyes like the sunshine shining upon my face

Love unceasing pouring from my heart

Into thy hands my heart went long ago

To thee my heart belong since long ago

How I longed for thee, for thy love

How long I’ve waited for this, for you

How my heart ached for you

How…” I couldn’t continue anymore.

My eyes flooded with tears of sorrow, of joy

He lifted my face up and gazed into my eyes

Then he did something unexpected

He kissed me so passionately.

I gazed long and deep into her eyes
So much emotion, fear, surprise
A longing deep within her smile
And I knew after so long, after all this while
I’ve found her, I’ve found her, there is no doubt at all
That she’s finally mine, my one, my all
So I took her face within my hands and I brought her lips to mine
I swear nothing can ever be sweeter than her kisses of wine
Time stood still if just for a second as we held each other tight
If there was one moment, I didn’t want to end, it would have been tonight
Just to hold her as the world froze around us, feel her in my arms
I’m the luckiest man alive, and I need no good luck charm
She’s all I’ll ever need or want, I’m finally satisfied
I’ve love her till the end of time, until the day I die

Remember that to love is to open your heart,

You may be together, you may be apart,

But love will lead you to that end of the road,

Where you’ll always be together, and love will never let you go…

Copyright by Poet & Lil’ Poetess. All rights reserved. No one can copy or retrive any part of this unless you have a written permission by the authors.

To think of it, if I were to move to this blog wouldn’t it be good since my mom can’t track here? From what she said it seems that I only write when I’m down. That’s why she probed me to whether I am still depressed. And I dislike the way she said it. Like I’m a problematic person. But I can’t blame her. No one here knows how to talk. Typical chinese family as how Auntie Michele said. And I felt intimidated when she asked about how I am nowadays and whether I pray to God when I’m sad or troubled.  Argh. I hate talking about these stuff. Grr… Anyways, I sure hope that whoever that commented still visits. Hee. I like some response to what I said here. Anyways, chao…

Outside, she confronted me. “What’s up with hitting him?” she said with a naughty smile on her face. I kept quiet because I don’t know how to explain. She continued, “I know something’s up with you. You like him don’t you? Admit it.” I couldn’t deny it. I know I can’t possibly hide it from her so I nod my head.

That was the dream I had that other day that left me feeling so void. It brought out what my heart have always yearned for – knowing that there’s someone who will always be there for me, to protect me, to hug me when I cry, to tell me that he always love me, to make me smile and laugh and to share my everything. And the dream is, in a way, not good, not right because in the dream, that someone who was there is someone I know and meet quite often and we don’t really know each other much. The feeling that suddenly emerges for him after this dream is just not right. Not true. Yes, I like some of the qualities that he posses but it just doesn’t felt right. We barely even know.

“God, why did you give this feeling to me? You know it’s not true and not right. Why did you let these emotions go so crazy? And you know how I feel. You understand more than I do. Why? You know that I like him a bit, like liking some people as friends and such but why did you let me have this dream that made my emotions go unstable once more?”

As I ponder more, God helped me to understand more. I remembered that Aunt. M told me that this is a hole that God put in me. This is a hole that only God can fill. And I slowly come to understand. That God wants me to depend on him. For love, for security, for even that sense of belonging. Loving him like how we love our boy/girlfriend and also, our spouse. In fact, we belong to him. He loves us so much and He is always there for us, to love us, to protect us, to hug us when we cry, to make us smile and even make us laugh. And the best thing is we don’t have to worry about Him leaving us someday. Because He is always there, never changing, never stop loving us and He never fails us unlike people on earth who will always disappoint us even if they try their best not to. And once more, God brought me near, and I felt His loving arms encircle me as I snuggle against Him, feeling the warmth and love pouring out for me.